top trumps

id like to alert everyone to the bane of my existence;

trying to conceal farts in public.

lets not be coy, we all do it. my personal fave being when im listening to my ipod and forget that im the only person who wont hear my fart, but its still audible to everyone else who doesnt have earphones in, which is always 97% of the people surrounding me as i drop the bomb. its always on the same level as hiroshima and nagasaki, and im pretty sure all women around me will have birth defect child due to bad fart. soz ladiez. another winner is when you cluck and then turn around and look behind you with a heavy frown as if to look for the culprit who produced that wretched stench, while rapidly moving away from the scene of the crime. or, perhaps you're the sort of person who stands next to a friend, unleashes a guff so powerful it rips a hole through your pants and dashes away from the infected area, and when others start questioning who the fuck dropped that nasty food ghost, you simply point a finger and blame it on your poor friend who is stood in your bum breath. or scenarios such as being in the public toilets and having a piss but accidently popping out a little fluff, and the sound bounces about the toilet bowl and theres nothing to be done but hang your head in shame and ignore the gaze of the person who emerged from the cubicle beside you and hope that moment doesnt come back to haunt you. BUT, despite all of this, my favourite public farting are those who simply let one rip and say nothing, do nothing; infact, some look slightly smug, and give you eye contact while they expel this fucking ring stinging gas thats enough to make your eyes water. its so absurdly obvious that no one suspects them. genius, about as blatant as standing there and telling someone to pull your finger, its pure gold. why is it you always think about how funny it would be if someone farted during the 2 minute silence and make yourself crease up, and end up stood there with a face like a beetroot and shuddering from the effort of not cracking up and getting sent for hell for disturbing the only 2 minutes all those brave men who died in war get remembered in. whatever, better out than in right...right?