dude.

its time for some well overdue unfathomable wisdom to erupt from my fingertips as a result of kinetic energy provided by my brain activity. despite the fact i have an intolerably dead left arm from getting my jab to prevent my fanny from getting lumps and bumps and potentially killing me and a dull ache in my right arm from throwing large stones at other large stones at the beach, i have been overtly productive with my creative skills this evening. not that it matters, normally i am being a total vegetable and even this small purge of frantic double mounting is not accounting for all the time i spend dormant and stationary in my bed, yet i have a interview for a "nice" university on wednesday and a meagre and/or sparse looking portfolio of work at the moment. hope is beginning to wane, for i feel the only way i will complete the pure magnitude of organisation and presentation is if i make an elite team who will operate the ins and outs of this portfolio until it is presentable. i will recruit the likes of rambo, charles manson, gerard butler, mother nature, leonardo di vinci and jesus to use brute strength and moral fibre to ensure my portfolio gets me into some more years of learning and avoiding getting a job. apart from that, my other news is such as i failed my driving test for the second time and am still plotting the intricate murder of the man who failed me. AGAIN. i have finished college and am currently in the throws of doing NOTHING, though the idea of getting fit and limber is something i have toyed with; the concept of having rippling abs and veins so prominent that they have a profile and thighs and buns pert enough to crack nuts. ants nuts. ants packet of KP peanuts that is. apart from that, im off to italy to get crispy and i wont settle until i have third degree burns from intense sessions of sun bathing, where i will act the sun dial or heat seeking missile and crawl around the surrounding pasture in search of the most UV. but thats a month away, until then i have my english exam, another driving test which im sure to fail and some other stuff. ALSO, during the execution of this blog, i was nearly jousted off my little perch of pillows by a moderately large spider on a rampage. 100% displeased, i chased him around for a while trying to bat him with a ruler which he very swiftly snatched from me and chased me around the the room with. no, but in all serious, i screamed like little miss muffet. on that note, i no longer feel safe in this room, nor this house for that, the bastard is no doubt going to climb back through my window after i ejected him and smother me during my sleep. next time (if there is a next time) i'll take no mercy on the arachnid kind and they will feel the force of my collins hardback dictionary and thesaurus.

Piece of π

you know them times when you're laid back in your bed, feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, knowing you have the complexion of a corpse and a brain that isnt quite cooperating nor coordinating because you've pissed yourself off so much that all your organs are tipped into a numbness... well thats how i feel. im worried some one will find me up here, tangled in my bed sheets and it'll be like a scene from alien, with my guts limply strung around the bedposts and an implosive sort of wound in my torso where ive just detonated under the pressure of my own "deep thought", or whatever i call this bullshit. not to sound like a goth or an emo or the kind of person you'd give a sideways glance because they look capable of suicidal and/or homicidal tendencies, but it is therapeutic to just write pointless nothings when ive got gripe sometimes. its like all the problems in the world come crashing down at once and its never like, just one little thing that you can take aside and pick apart until you can break it down into bite size chunks and "digest" the issue better, it all comes like some tsunami torrent of aggro. unneeded, defiant aggro that seems to want to bend you over its knee and give you a firm but fair spanking until youre weeping and sore. this isnt how i want to feel, like some child who is constantly getting punished for some deed they did, but i do feel like people pull me apart and seem to look straight through me to find every little imperfection, its hard to feel good about yourself in this sort of world and lifestyle, the arrogant types with so much self pride are those who suffer from an affliction called "stupidness" and are thus diagnosed as morons. this manifestation of idiots seems very overwhelming and i'd like to keep myself to myself but thanks to the morons doing what they do best, i cant even be happy when good things come along, so cheers you guys and your moronic behaviour. my life, if i were to use a metaphorical representation, would probably be similar of a toddler learning to walk. if you watch a 3 year old kid get up off their knees, stand up, start to walk and then this walk progresses into an aggressive juddering sort of trot in which the legs are in dysfunctionally straight positions, you'll note just as theyre bouncing along and beaming with unadulterated joy, the inevitable fall comes, and you watch them face plant into the floor, not even bringing their palms out to break to fall but just eating cement. thats me. on the floor, sulking and pummelling my fists and feeling that stupid stinging palm feeling, and feeling like i should never run again so i can ensure i never fall. but when you've got problems and you're trying to explain them and someone is telling you to just get up and sort it out, its never easy to "just" do anything, its not a piece of pie and you cant just forget and go forward unfazed by anything unless you are a moron. the pressure to just do something is a little intense for me. whether it be the pressure to tidy my room, do well at college or simply change the way i think, i feel like its the biggest deal in the world to be told what to do or what to think and some people may say its obnoxious and bigoted way to think or feel but its the morons that have conditioned me to feel this way. so...

shutup.

scabs.

decidedly, i dont have a lot to blog about these days, apart from the fact that i like chewing pencils for that woody taste and the gnarled texture, and that for me, watching paint dry is infact enthralling because, y'know what kids, dried paint is a little like a scab, and scabs gives me a nostalgic sense of being young and how showing off your big crusty scabs made you reign supreme over the other commoners on the play ground, where as if you flashed some scabby skin these days it'd be assumed you had herpes. if only things were as simple as it was when you were young. here i stand, fast approaching 18, and come monday i will legally be considered an adult of sorts, though what i wouldnt give to be climbing tree's and having that solitude you got when you were a bullied kid like me, and youd think about insignificant things that back then were 10 times more significant and meaningful than any other aspect of life, like the dilema of which beanie baby to purchase next. those were the days, the simple days, where the most advanced technology was snake II on your nokia 3310 and staying out past 8pm was a sin. now id give my left nut to be able to stay in bed at 8pm and do nothing, to be able to sleep without a stir and pass my days without worrying about the big bad world. the only quality i still have as i did when i was a kid was the feeling of being misunderstood.. not in a cliche way, i dont want sympathy, empathy, whatever other bullshit, just sometimes i wonder if i need to be sent back to my own planet just so i know im not the only one who has such a troubled mind.

Never you mind.

yet again here comes my frequent search for an excuse to try and redeem myself from you furrowed brows as you implore me with the question "what could have possibly been doing that is more important than writing blogs?!". truth is folks, there aint one, and there aint no way no how that i can try and put it that will conjure a smile back onto them chops of yours. thing is, i think ive actually got a life now? i say "i think" because i still do not know what you would qualify as having a "life" or what would warrant being called "social" or "interacting with the outside world" but whatever its called, ive been doing it a lot and its got right in the way of my blogging time, and its about as fun as a limp penis. BUT, i cannot actually complain, ive been so very busy doing work, which, yes, is going exceedingly well, thanks for asking. also, i am a member of a prestigious and high esteemed group of adventurers, therefore my adventuring antics are another thing i can safely blame for not keeping on track with this blog. my life has turned into a cycle of wake up, go to college, do work, nap in the art room, eat sweet chili kettle chips, go home, eat noodles, do more work, go to sleep and continue the cycle until the weekend where anthony gets thrown into the mix, and resumes his place firmly as having my undivided attention all weekend. throughout this cycle you may have noticed some things; A) it would appear that i do not go to the toilet anymore. B) crisps and noodles cant be a healthy diet for a growing girl. but most importantly... C) BLOGS ARE NOT A PART OF MY CYCLE AS THEY USED TO BE. anyway whatever, i cant even remember what ive been doing since i last blogged. being pretty dull and a hard working young woman, nothing interesting for you kids. maybe i'll return tomorrow with some a genuinely interesting blog (doubt.)

italian supercars.

italian supercars, happens to be what the presentation taking place behind me is about. it would not shock you to know, my friends, that i am paying no attention to what is going on in my extended project lessons. this guy has made a project where he has made a one page website about very fast cars. very fast indeed, though he has not mentioned the zonda, which is a fucking bitch of a car. anyway, im in good spirits today. only about 2 hours until ant comes and gets me, which is swish, and we get to go see my sister, which is equally as swish, AND get to go buy some crystals, WHICH IS ULTIMATELY SWISH!!!! more sparkly nuggets of spiritual healing for me. and its sunny today, though my ankles are so cold, and hopefully this weekend is going to be real good weather, so i want to be out with nature and my boy, frolicking through sunny meadows and dancing around a maypole with a crown of daisy chains and a white petticoat. i only have about 9 weeks left in college now before i can go and do these things on a regular basis, hopefully walking around barefoot with a 3 inch thick layer of dirty callusced skin on the soles of my feet, and make my way to go live with pippin and merry in the shire. my semi translucent skin is sick of not having a filthy arab tan, and my hair is sick of not being sun bleached and reminscent of a mistreated paint brush, which means this summer, it is my personal goal to try and achive ultimate filthiness and i will not stop until i blend in with my natural surroundings and having a natural coating of camoflauge, which will consist of lots of dirt and leaves/twigs bound into my hair. i atleast expect to be "at one" with the animals and come home like elizabeth from the wild thornberrys. in which case, ant can be donnie.

"should i sit in here and write a blog...?"

evidently, the answer is obviously yes. my day has shown better qualities than yesterday, and by better i mean more constructive. and by more constructive i mean i found my work that i had lost and managed to get my english coursework handed in, which leaves me now with this lovely bit of spare time in which im going to write this pointless little blog with the sun burning the right side of my face and watching gormless goths wonder past the window im sat by. the pressing sense of urgency to do work has left me, which isnt particularly good but then again, theres only so much work im willing to do before i have a social and mental breakdown and someone finds me slumped in my work station with a particularly sharp HB pencil jabbed into my left eye socket and a variety of paper cuts running across my wrists from the impending doom that is my work load. speaking of impending doom, apparently the side affects from taking phsyllium husk could cause death, and one of the symptoms of this kick back from the almost-laxative husk is that you have a sense of "impending doom" (it has to be true, coz it was on wikipedia). but then i thought if i did have this awful side affect was, metaphorically speaking, going to pop my clogs, then perhaps i wouldnt notice? i already have a sense of constant doom upon my own being and this shitty little planet we live on. another side affect is a nasty rash, which is something i get when i have a thorough dance off with meg... i know what youre thinking right, i dont know how dancing can give you a rash either.

anyway, i thought id relay my plans for summer while im here and this incessant sunlight in my eyes is reminding me of summer a little too nostalgically, so, my plan for the summer is;

- come june 28th when my last exam is over, spend a week or so molesting my darling boyfriend before i decide to flee the country.

- decide whether im going to get a flight to pisa or am i going to get a train and stop off and eat some continental olives from other countries? potentially interesting, potentially could end in tears with me being lost, mugged and stabbed.

- get to italy eventually, get on my dads much admired camp site and recharge my zen and juju in the blistering sun whilst in the "triangulation". (for anyone who is wondering what said triangulation is, its a triangular composition of very large logs that my dad resurrected in the middle of the field as a heli-pad for incoming UFO's and other unwanted mystical bullshit)

- wake up at 9am every single day all swollen in my sleeping bag with meg equally as spongey and porous as me, with beads of sweat in the creases of my eyelids and across my upper lip, roll out of the tent and feel sorry for myself for a while whilst the sun continues to steam my body like salmon boil-in-a-bag, or one of them machine fatties get when theyre steamed up and sweat off loads of weight and come out looking like a relaxed scrotom.

- drink lots of beer, smoke lots of fags, burn lots of skin, pick lots of spots, swim in lake, piss on lots of trees, not wash my hair and/or body, eat couscous, drink 6 litres of water, dance around the fire, talk about theories of time and space travel in gold capsules, sleep under the stars, listen to hendrix. that is the daily rota for the 6 or so weeks i plan to be out there.

- at some point i will inevitably be attacked by some wild animal and adopt some hybrid disease or condition and probably die in a ditch off the beaten track on the edge of a mountain

-whilst out in the hills i expect to see the following at some point;

- a bear

- a wolf

- a monkey

- a really large moth

- a stag

- a wild boar

- a wild man by the name of 'dad'

- a lot of chesnut trees

- a anthony zardis

- a tent so sweaty that it has developed condensation

-a josh davies

-a pete gardiner

- a eagle

- a abundance of hippies or white rastafairians

- a shrivelled and sun dired cousin

- a large pizza

all of the above and more.

now is my queue to leave this shitty classroom and do something half constructive with the rest of my afternoon, i.e go flake out somewhere in the sun.

So, on a scale of one to psychopath, anyone wanna wager a guess as to how mad i am?

an anecdote for you guys;

once again i find myself feeling oh so very hard done by. today has been so melodramatic that it feels as though it was in fact a really ho-um mundane under stimulating dream. it all starts with me being unable to get out of bed, and finding myself crippled by my own comfort. i woke and contemplated not getting up for at least another fortnight until i had bulbous formations of bed sores across my backside, but i didnt let the demons in my head get the better of me. however i did find myself staring at the sky for about 7 minutes without a thought passing through that expansive space of nothing between my eyes where there is a vacant area with a "TO LET" sign for rental to brains. anyway, once out of bed, i dwindled about, spent too long trying to sort out my smelly hair, which in affect was beyond redemption anyway. so, after getting to the train station and eating the biggest apple ever and arriving in eastleigh , i found myself in pursuit of two particularly crisp bits of paper. and yknow what folks, them little street scraps turned out to be a fiver and a tenner rustling down the street in a tandem escape from some pensioners pocket, and swiftly into my own hand they went, to be spent on cod liver oil tablets and evening primrose oil (true story). anyway, college was piss, spent 2 hours making felt (yay) and felt bitchy so gave the girls in lesson some party mouth, and left the lesson feeling smug. anyway since then i have been at home working non stop, my eyes sting and my face is stupendously shiny. i've lost a large percentage of my work, for which the presentation is tomorrow lunchtime, and its evident that im just not gunna make it unless i get hit by a space rock and get super powers that allow me to control time.................BOBBA. and im in a mood because my little cousin took my really expensive professional art marker pen and got me in shit for it somehow. most displeased. ASWELL as this, ive got really bad bloat, so ive been taking physllium husk and hoping it'll flush my guts out. THATS RIGHT GUYS, SHIT! GIRLS SHIT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

anyway, apart from this, ive had a lovely weekend with the boy once more, being skint means we got to do old people activities such as walking around lakes and feeding duckies :) its the shit! and i bought some more crystals, so no more bad juju thanks.

anyway im ratty and have my "ginger cousin" on the end of my bed, sitting in battle formation. so GODNAT